Self Help PsyDir-Psychology and Psychotherapy resources. Simple jealousy starts as a feeling of discomfort at the prospect of losing reward or affection to someone else. In complex jealousy, the prospect of loss feels like unjustifiable self-diminishment; you become smaller and less valuable, because someone is manipulating or betraying you.Simple jealousy motivates reward/affection-seeking behavior - you try to be more cooperative, helpful, or loving, and that usually gets a positive response sufficient to alleviate the discomfort. Complex jealousy motivates attack, either overtly or in your head. It makes you devalue and try to control others, which invariably makes things worse.Simple jealousy first emerges in toddlerhood, typically when the child witnesses parents showing affection to each other or to another child. The toddler at first squeezes between the embracing adults and tries to be as cute and lovable as possible. The arrival of a sibling often causes regression to things like bedwetting and less mature speech. Regression is, in part, an attempt to seem more lovable to the distracted parents: "Babies turn you on? I can do that, too."Simple Jealousy Regulates Distance; Complex Jealousy Expands DistanceSimple jealousy functions in many adult relationships as a kind of distance-regulator. When the partners drift apart, the pang of jealousy motivates more attention and connecting behavior. It can occur frequently when the relationship is most insecure, particularly in the early stages of emotional bonding, when the parties feel the most vulnerable to rejection. It goes largely unnoticed at that time, because they follow the natural motivation to be more loving. They reconnect, and the jealousy immediately recedes.When the parties cannot reconnect, simple jealousy fails to function. Once resentment takes over the relationship and systematically blocks connection, simple jealousy fades into more generalized negative feelings for each other. It's not a good sign when resentment replaces jealousy. Contempt will soon follow.Simple jealousy can turn complex when children are punished for trying to be cute and lovable in response to the pain of exclusion. They may then interpret the discomfort of exclusion not as an internal motivation to connect but as external attack. Perceiving attack, they feel entitled to retaliate.More commonly, complex jealousy coincides with the emerging sense of self - a loose construct that includes self-concept, identity, self-efficacy, and self-value. It surfaces full-blown in adolescence and by early adulthood becomes a major problem in close relationships for those afflicted with a rigid or poorly-integrated sense of self. It tends to peak in intensity in the mid-twenties, when advanced pre-frontal cortical development gives the person more power to regulate emotions. However, it tends to occur more frequently, though less intensely, over time, as it destabilizes even the best of relationships.Simple Jealousy Expresses Value; Complex Jealousy Drives You CrazySimple jealousy raises the value of the loved one - you want more of him or her. Complex jealousy devalues the loved one - you want to control, punish, or avoid.Simple jealousy is good for a relationship. Most people would not want a lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams. But even simple jealousy must be limited to small doses. Think of it as a concentrated acid that needs lots of dilution to be effective without doing harm. Complex jealousy never comes in small doses and eventually eats through the heart of the relationship.Rising and falling on the ebb and flow of intense feelings-states, complex jealousy has a palpable Jekyll & Hyde quality. When you feel close to your partner, you can't imagine ever feeling jealous - "How could I have thought those ugly things," or, "He is so wonderful, how could I ever imagine he'd betray me!" But once the feelings of closeness ebb, the obsessions return, and you feel and act like a completely different person.Complex jealousy has an obessional quality to it - you can't stop thinking about incidents - real or imagined - that invoke it. Obsessions impair reality-testing. If they persist, you can become paranoid, delusional, or hallucinatory.My next post will show how to regulate complex jealousy before it ruins your relationship and drives you crazy.CompassionPower

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Mad about You: Simple and Complex Jealousy

Posted by admin 12 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Simple jealousy starts as a feeling of discomfort at the prospect of losing reward or affection to someone else. In complex jealousy, the prospect of loss feels like unjustifiable self-diminishment; you become smaller and less valuable, because someone is manipulating or betraying you.Simple jealousy motivates reward/affection-seeking behavior - you try to be more cooperative, helpful, or loving, Read More »

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Is doing the best you can always a good thing?

Posted by admin 26 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Is it always a good idea to do the best you can do? Moreover, can we ever be sure that it's really our best? These questions came up recently in a therapy session and catalyzed my looking more deeply into the nature and implications of this common expression.The man with whom I was working felt it essential that they were always doing their best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measu Read More »

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Emotional Abuse Violates Civil Rights

Posted by admin 30 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

France now has a law against psychological violence in marriage. I personally loathe government interference in our personal lives. But having treated more than 6,000 perpetrators, victims, and children of emotinal abuse in America, I ‘m convinced we need a similar, though more precise law to protect families.We already have laws to protect strangers and coworkers from harassment, intimidation, a Read More »

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Marriage Help: Better Living through Cognitive Dissonance

Posted by admin 101 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Misinterpreting the message of cognitive dissonance ruins marriages, a fact that totally eludes marriage therapists and relationship authors who promote "getting your needs met."Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort of self-image colliding with reality. Such collisions are inevitable, as self-image tends to be based on values - what is most important to you - while behavior is routinely directed Read More »

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Anger in Marriage II: Fear of Compassion

Posted by admin 121 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

One of the clichés of pop psychology is that anger is the most complex emotion. Actually, anger isn't that complicated. Although we've developed convoluted ways of thinking about it, it's really a simple response to a perception of vulnerability, threat, and entitlement. Compassion, on the other hand, can get really complicated, which is why it is so misunderstood.As I described in the first part Read More »

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Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

Posted by admin 127 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more hu Read More »

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What do we mean by commitment?

Posted by admin 134 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

What does the word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships. For example, “I’m in a committed relationship,” or “ I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such cir Read More »

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The Marriage Quiz

Posted by admin 170 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

In our Age of Entitlement, one of the biggest strains on marriage is the presumptive right to have your partner make you happy. This unfortunate presumption persists even though empirical evidence shows that happy people make happy marriages. In other words, if you were happy before you met your partner, you will likely be happy after marriage; but if you were an unhappy single, marriage alone w Read More »

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