Self Help PsyDir-Psychology and Psychotherapy resources. Who am I?This question-asked by so many---suggests that there is actually a sensible answer. As if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of self. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more likely that you feel fragile about yourself. There is an inverse correlation between this question and your comfort with experiencing your life. The emphasis shouldn't be on discovering what is buried beneath, but on facilitating the emergence of what we'd like to become.Our identity should be seen as an ongoing process of personal evolution. Rather than an unchanging snapshot, we should embrace a flowing sense of self, whereby we are perpetually reframing, reorganizing and reconsidering ourselves. How different would life be if we asked instead, how would I like to experience my life?A sense of inadequacy often informs the question, who am I? As though there was really an answer to the question. As people engage the complexity of understanding themselves they would fare much better be to devote themselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing one's thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and becoming more present all enable us to better craft our engagement of life. As such, the identity that we seek embraces the flow of life, becoming enriched by the process.Suppose you have been in prison for twenty years, incarcerated since the age of 18. You have no adult experience outside of the penitentiary. Your adult sense of self is terribly limited. Who am I? This question provokes a sense of self that would have you fear your release from prison. All you can do is try to engage life in a way that will permit your identity to take a new shape. You wouldn't choose to stay in your cell until you can picture who you are. You'd need to engage the outside world and let your identity emerge.I have worked with people who have been married more or less for their entire adult lives. Upon divorce, they are often confronted with a distressing thought. They say they don't know who they are. More likely, they don't know whom they are as a single, autonomous adult, not partnered. Well how could they? Rather than stay frozen in fear, you need to embrace the spirit of wonder and adventure. You'll get to re-craft your sense of yourself as you engage life in a different way.At the other end of the continuum are those who claim to know themselves so well. This other extreme also signifies fragility about one's identity. To know your self so well leaves little room for growth. Even more to the point, it suggests a deep vulnerability that is being defended against. As if it were too dangerous to take a closer look.It makes perfect sense to develop a sense of your self. To become intimately aware of your thoughts, emotions, fears and fantasies is obviously advisable. The key is to engage your sense of self as malleable, more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak. Remember, the willow is flexible and survives the storm whereas the oak is more likely to crackThe universe purportedly exists in a flowing state of potential. And it is essential to understand that we are part of that universe. The goal, then is to access that potential, keeping parts of our identity that serve us well and learning to shed the old, habitual parts that constrain us. This process is known as positive disintegration. This permits us to find balance between the two extremes of identity and enter into a relationship with self --committed to our personal evolution. Attached Images Images:

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Who am I?

Posted by admin 91 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Who am I?This question-asked by so many---suggests that there is actually a sensible answer. As if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of self. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more likely that you feel fragile about yourself. There is an inverse correlati Read More »

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I'm Disappointed, but I'm Okay

Posted by admin 97 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

There are two very hard things to do in life. But if you can't do them, you're not likely to have a successful intimate relationship.The first difficult but necessary task is holding onto self-value when you don't like your partner's behavior. The second hardest thing to do, which you don't have a chance of accomplishing if you can't do the first, is holding onto value for your partner when you d Read More »

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Love is a Miracle of Mirrors and Transformation

Posted by admin 104 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

When love comes upon us like a springtime rebirth from numbing routine, it can feel like nothing short of a miracle. Mediated by quasi opiods secreted in the brain, falling in love can mean "walking-on-clouds" in her presence and aching withdrawal symptoms in his absence. And yet intense emotional states, for all their power, are not the miracle of love.Far more important than how love feels is w Read More »

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To Love Well, You Have to Sometimes Feel Inadequate

Posted by admin 110 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

A sure way to improve your marriage is to admit that you don't know what the hell you're doing when it comes to making an intimate relationship work. Say it right now, out loud:"I don't know what the hell I'm doing; I don't know how to make intimate relationships work!"There, doesn't that feel better?When It Comes to Love, Inadequacy is Your FriendA stab of inadequacy motivates you to do somethin Read More »

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What is a Mistake?

Posted by admin 113 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Most people try to avoid making mistakes and some people experience great degrees of apprehension and anxiety about committing mistakes. We may labor over making decisions out of this fear, which tends to paralyze us. Yet, we don't usually stop to consider exactly what constitutes a mistake.Generally, a mistake is a decision or an action that we come to regret. Mistakes usually cause some degree Read More »

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The Wrong Reasons for Staying Married

Posted by admin 121 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

The fact that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is actually the lesser of the problem. The greater difficulty lies in the fact that the majority of intact marriages are far from joyful. Divorce, although tumultuous and potentially scarring, at least provides the promise of better days. Remaining in the lethargy of an unhappy marriage, dulled by the absence of a more hopeful visi Read More »

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Core Value

Posted by admin 124 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

Value plays an enormously important role in emotional well being. We feel authentic when we are true to our deepest values, numb when we're indifferent to them, guilt and shame when we violate them, and utter meaninglessness when we lose touch with them.The significance of value becomes clearer in behavioral language, used as a verb rather than a noun. To value someone or something is to hold tha Read More »

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Are You Emotionally Abusive?

Posted by admin 130 days ago (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

It can happen to anyone. That's right; anyone can become emotionally abusive in an intimate relationship. The path to emotional abuse begins at the point where resentment starts to outweigh compassion.Resentment is a predominant emotional state in our age of entitlement. Because we perceive ourselves to have more of a right to feel good than previous generations, it follows that those around us h Read More »

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